TL;DR (I don't blame you, it's not that funny):

  Have you already established a language for your project or team?
    Yes:  Keep using that fucking language. Unless you can't accomplish your goals with your current language, you're setting back progress by starting with a new language.
    No: Are you building a mobile app?
      Yes: Are you building for Android, iOS, or both?
        Android: Looks like you're using fucking Java. Hybrid apps suck.
        iOS: Use fucking Swift. Hybrid apps suck.
        Both: Time to learn fucking Java and Swift. Hybrid apps suck, so your dumb ass needs to learn both.
      No: What the fuck are you building?
        Web app/Networked application: Is it a client-side app?
          Yes: Looks like you're stuck with fucking JavaScript you poor bastard.
          No: Are you working for an established enterprise or a startup?
            Enterprise: Just use fucking Java. No one ever got fired for choosing Java.
            Startup: Do you give a shit about concurrency?
              Yes: Do you know why you give a shit about concurrency?
                Yes: Are you into functional programming?
                  Yes: Do you need to use the Java Virtual Machine for some fucking reason?
                    Yes: Use fucking Clojure
                    No: Use fucking Rust or Elixir. I've got you this far, choose whichever one doesn't look like shit to you.
                  No: Use fucking Go.
                Not really: I didn't think so you asshole. Just use Ruby - probably with Rails - and get the fuck out of my office.
              No: Do you need static types?
                Yes: Use fucking Dart
                No: Do you want only one language in your codebase?
                  Yes: You're stuck with fucking JavaScript, but you already knew that
                  I don't care: Are you already familiar with at least one programming language?
                    Yes: Are you nostalgic for the web of the early 2000s?
                      Yes: You should probably stick with fucking PHP
                      No: Use fucking Ruby
                    No: Use fucking Python. It's easy to learn and very powerful.
        Desktop app: How fucking lazy are you?
          Really lazy: Damn it. Just use fucking Visual Basic. I hope you're proud of yourself.
          Sort of lazy: Just use fucking Java.
          I'll sleep when I die: Do it properly in some fucking dialect of C

Maybe I'm getting old. I love these sorts of technology selector flowchart things in general. However, the trope of throwing in a bunch of random "fucks" and getting a ton of upvotes for it feels played out to me.

Off topic from the article, I don't understand the purpose of using profanity and then censoring it. Writing things like F!@K just seems like a weird middle ground that loses the intensity of cursing and the professionalism of not cursing.

The "really lazy desktop app" choice is Qt, not Visual Basic.

Visual Basic hasn't really existed for decades.

It would be nice to be able to back up a question. It was pretty funny, but having to start over every time to check out the whole decision tree was a bit tedious.

No quiz needed, the actual answer should be just "Whatever language you know and can get shit done with".

I would say that if one does not have experience with an enterprise stack they should really choose to work with one irrespective of whether they are a startup or no. Your startup will probably fail anyway. The experience you get is the only thing that you'll be left with. And if you chose to work with chicken-scheme and what not, good luck putting that on your CV.

Curious then realized it was very light in fun content. There is no way to get to cobol for instance

It got the wrong language for my example, a digital audio workstation with peer to peer collaboration.

It said use Go, but Go is garbage collected and that is unacceptable for an app that needs to process real time audio with low latency.

Same thing applies to any networked video game.

I always just choose whatever I'm most comfortable with.

You don't always need an edgy language to use. Just use what you know.

I answered in such a way that I was expecting Python or Ruby but got JavaScript. Is that the joke?

Kids these days. You could replace ALL of this dynamic content with a static page that says:

    Use the language that's right for the job.

It's telling me to use Java and Swift for mobile development because hybrid apps suck. But Xamarin is fine, I don't get it.

If I could use cython everywhere I'd probably use cython.

Request: what fucking text editor/IDE should I use?

I enjoy gratuitous profanity and PLs, well done.

..must.. not .. give in.. to .. my.. negativity

Found this really funny, thanks :)

javascript

One is not stuck with JavaScript for 'client side' web apps per se.

I prefer TypeScript (which is transpiled into JavaScript).