How to hack the beliefs that are holding you back
The author's commentary about money really struck home with me. I had the very same problem for most of my life, and never realized it until last year.
About a year ago, I wrote what I thought was a throwaway tweet, "I give up, I admit it—I suck at money."
Several people were kind enough to take my tweet seriously, and through several recommendations and some great advice, I chose to find out why that was. It turned out to be my mindset and self-image that was the problem. The bit about pushing money away because you subconsciously believe there's something wrong with having it was powerful and true for me. I learned about that mindset from the book "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker.
It's a corny title, and the book itself can make you feel kind of corny reading it. Unfortunately, most books about money tend to be that way. You just have to deal with it. Stick a fake cover on the book or read it on a tablet where no-one can see what you're reading. The thing is, that T. Harv Eker book made me really look at why I was bad with money, not how I was bad with it. I'd be interested to know if this is where the author found out about his own subconscious blocks.
Two other books that helped me were "The Automatic Millionaire" by David Bach, which taught me to put my savings on autopilot, and "I Will Teach You to be Rich" by Ramit Sethi. Ramit is an author and blogger in his twenties who I've found to have the best day-to-day info and motivation to keep me on track.
No matter how good you are at anything else in your life, if you have a bad relationship with money, you'll suffer for it. I'm just glad I finally (if sort of passively) asked for help.
Great article.
I think I can relate to his fear of sending out invoices. I had the same fear not with sending invoices but more precisely pricing proposal. I would fear that my prices would be too high, that perhaps I would lose the job because of that. That maybe (deep thoughts) that I wasn't worth the money I was asking for (Thankfully I'm not longer thinking this way).
And every time I would send that pricing proposal only after re-reading it 10 times to make sure I leave enough space so I can back down without looking like a total idiot, I would receive an email accepting the pricing proposal and thus re-enforcing that I wasn't charging too much and that everything was ok.
It's important to understand that through your pricing you are setting the perceived value of your services. If you price them too low, people won't bother taking you because their perception of your value will be low. If your price is too high you might be perceived as too greedy.
The last part of your blog post resonated really well with me as well, as an entrepreneur you need to build an entourage of good people who can support and help you overcome you inner fears but also challenge you when they think you're wrong. You need a winning team.
Good post. I'd add another hack: While maintaining drive toward a big success, establish and reach small goals along the way. This keeps one from being held back by fears that can crop up around success; it safeguards against using unattainable goals as a type of irrational defense mechanism.
Strings of small successes also provide fertile, solid ground for successful pivots as more is learned. An endless set of reworked plans toward overly grandiose goals can be a barren pivot quagmire.
This is pop psychology. Most self-help authors, and even successful people like Oprah, make the mistake of confusing cause and effect. Feeling confident helps with acquiring success (and I agree it is better than the opposite), but it is a very, very small component of it. On the contrary, if you talk to many successful people they will tell you that they didn't have much confidence in themselves at the beginning.
The trick, however, is that you definitely feel confident once you're successful, so you believe (after the fact) that this might be the cause.
Becoming successful by mental affirmations is like saying that you can have a convertible car by just feeling the wind in your face. Owners of a convertible will tell you that this is the real feeling -- but it is not the cause for them having the car in the first place.
The link between mental affirmations and making money is even weaker: many times you don't even need to be successful to have a lot of it. Most fortunes are result of inheritance, marriage, blind luck (lottery winners), being in the right place at the right time (e.g., an early engineer at Google), and, don't forget about it, corruption.
If you want to learn more about this I would suggest reading books by Louise Hay. I don't know if OP got the idea from her, or if Louise is the first one to come up with this, but she writes and practises this extensively.
One of the key concepts from her books is that we are all victims of victims. Meaning that we got our bad thoughts from our parents who in turn got them from their parents and so on. And the most important part of solving of any problem you may have is to get to the root cause, which is usually some interaction that you had, as a child, with your parents.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louise_Hay http://www.louisehay.com/
I prefer, instead of tricking myself into believing what I want to believe, to change things until I naturally believe the truth, or put processes in place to help me.
If I have trouble sending invoices, I make something send them for me. Isn't that what most accounting software does anyhow? You set up everything and it bills on the appropriate date?
If I have no confidence in my ability to find another job, I do things to help that confidence. Update my portfolio and resume, review my skillset, go to job interviews... There are plenty of things I can do to prove to myself I have the ability to find another job that don't involve just blindly telling myself that.
If I did blindly tell myself that, I'd have a new worry. I'd worry that I was one of those people who apply for jobs and don't have the skills, but think they have them. I've interviewed many of them and never understood why they thought they had the required skills. These techniques could be why.
No, despite all my insecurities and doubts, I'll stick to reality and actually improve my situation instead of brainwashing myself about it.
Nicely done. A (surprisingly) hacker-oriented process features in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies by Rhenna Branch and Rob Wilson.
The tl;dr version is that you can (and probably should) step back from your thoughts, observe, and experiment with them to tackle your own negative or limiting thoughts.
I think that CBT will probably appeal wildly to the autodidactic HN'ers than pop up here. Check it out, even if you decide on another book.
Okay, as a non-entrepreneur, just a lowly programmer type, my great stumbling block is negotiating pay. I kind of suck at negotiation and don't really know what my skills are worth.
I don't want to be a millionaire, Donald Trump type character. I want to be able to do interesting things and have enough money coming in so I can live somewhere nice and build a life with a partner if I'm lucky enough to end up finding one. It certainly doesn't feel like I'm worth the sort of money people seem willing to pay me.
It's only made worse in situations where it's a less formal work environment: when it's a startup or a startup-like atmosphere, working for people you know socially rather than just professionally, where it feels like you are pushing for higher pay against them or whatever.
Some people seem to be full of confidence and/or bullshit to the point where they can walk in and put an eye-wateringly large consulting fee or salary on the table and not blink.
And the stupid thing is I realise I suck at this, and sort of excuse it on the basis that I'm here to churn you out Java or Ruby or whatever.
I did read that one of the things that holds women back in the workplace specifically is lack of negotiation skills over salaries and raises. Any geek-friendly tips on fixing a slightly fear or reluctance to negotiate frankly over this stuff? When I speak to others, they seem to grok how to do it just as easily as I grok reading a stack trace, say.
One problem I see with self-affirmations is that they only change your perception of what you can achieve, not what you actually can achieve. No amount of self-affirmation will help you become a painter unless you take the pain of learning how to paint. And failed expectations after some time build frustration. So you must be cautious of what you make yourself believe. There is a joke about a guy that was praying his whole life asking god to let him win a lottery. He never did, and after his death he asked god why. The god answered "What could I do? You never bought a lottery ticket".
I think it'd be appropriate here to mention Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Its purpose is to attempt to change the way we view ourselves by learning how to properly interpret events.
The "you're a failure" bit really hits hard with me as it's been something I've struggled with for a while. Through CBT, you learn that these self-evaluations are nothing more than behaviors that we can unlearn by stopping ourselves at each step in the pathway of interpreting events, the pathway being: events -> thoughts -> feelings -> behaviors.
I suspect many here suffer from the same beliefs, and if you do, I highly suggest you check out CBT. It's what swombat suggests as hacking your belief system but taken a step or two further. You can get started here: http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome.
Reminds me of Annette Benning in American Beauty: "I will sell this house today. I will sell this house today."
Not starting on activities because you don't like them or you don't feel not comfortable will drag you down. You'll be thinking about it all day. I tell myself in the morning to the most unpleasant thing on my to do list first. Eat the hairy frog first! I learned from Randi Pausch. Worth watching every minute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTugjssqOT0
-edit spelling
It works.
I wanted to get into software engineering & commerce double degree in University of Sydney. It required UAI of 95 (University Admission Index; a UAI of 97 means you're required to be in the top 3%, 95 -> top 5%).
One day a friend took me to the Career advisor office who gave me a UAI estimate of 75.
It shocked me to the core; At the time I was lazy, and told myself I was lazy; I was in a high school where being lazy was good enough to get by. "Apparently", being lazy was not good enough anymore.
I printed pages of full of the text "I will get 95 UAI." and posted it throughout my room and ceiling. I set the same text as my browser home page, desktop, desk and the study room. Every morning in the shower and on the bus, I repeated to myself "I am going to get 95 UAI", over and over again.
"Miraculously", this brainwashing led me to work harder than ever. It got me studying 8 hours a day for 4 months.
In 2007, the required UAI for the software engineering and commerce degree dropped to 94.45. I managed to score a UAI of 94.55, allowing me to study the degree.
I had scored really high marks in the university entrance exam, and would have gotten an even higher UAI had my school marks weren't 15% lower; The exam and school marks were worth 50% respectively.
i can relate to the fear of sending invoices as well. More precisely, of sending reminders if the invoices was not paid on time. My internal thought would be that perhaps the other person would see me as someone that is nagging for money too much.. how silly..
The affirmations in the mirror thing sounds silly, but it's really a profound thing to do. It actually works best if you yell it at the top of your lungs, though doing so where others might hear you could cause them to be alarmed.
You might be surprised how doing this hits you if you affirm something that you are not sure you believe.
One thing strikes me that I think some of the critics in this discussion miss the point of the article. Or at least, the point that I got from it.
It's not so much about self-affirming what you wish to be true, or even worse, self-affirming "I can fly!!"--yeah that's not going to work.
The article is in fact pretty clear about this, first you go for some introspection and identify some of this "inner dialogue" that's keeping you down. Actual, recurring negative irrational thoughts in certain situations. We all agree those would be bad, right? Then, you counter the negative irrational one by formulating a positive and reasonable affirmation to counter that negative one. And nothing more and nothing less. The goal should be to get rid of the irrational negative recurring thought, not to start believing something unrealistically fantastical about yourself. Although it can help the process to exaggerate the positive one a little bit, but maybe not for everyone, and it's just supposed to expedite the replacing process.
Though actually, the people referring to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy are probably most right on the mark. Because that's basically a scientifically proven version of this technique. Well it's slightly different, but the fundamental similarities are quite obvious IMHO, and you can use them to solve the same problems.
This was one of the most useful blog posts I read in the recent few days. I am an entrepreneur and I too have multiple beliefs that hold me back. In the end it is about recognizing conditioned habits that are holding you back and using positive affirmations or prayers (http://www.easwaran.org/saint-teresa-of-avila-let-nothing-up...) to come out of them. In my experience these techniques work very well in overcoming negative habits like anger, fear and greed. I practice Passage Meditation (easwaran.org) and its main punch line is, you become what you meditate on. I see resistance to follow these techniques from many people, yet many willingly fall prey to negative media. In essence you are eating/consuming through your senses all the time. By consciously choosing to fill your mind with positive messages you can overtime become a much more productive and happier person.
"He who is unaware of the workings of his own mind is of necessity unhappy." -- Marcus Aurelius
Self Affirmation Hack: make a short affirmation one of the passwords you have to type in often. The practice of writing and remembering it helps solidify the affirmation and provide context for whatever you are logging in to do.
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Reading Daniel's article made me think of this one: 15 Things to Give Up to Be Happy. I found it eye opening, simple to understand and effective at making me realize what I needed to change in my life. Although the 15 things it speaks of are common sense, I was surprised at how often I would not follow my own advise. So as a reminder, I printed it out and put the article on my wall. Anyway, if anyone's interested here it is:
I've always had a problem with these sort of suggestions, the idea that somebody without self confidence could gain it simply by repeating a mantra and brainwashing themselves would have me questioning the self-awareness of that person.
I have tried similiar things, and ended up laughing at myself over the ridiculousness of the entire exercise. I've found that self confidence is a little deeper than tricking one's mind and that any confidence gained by techniques like this would be superficial at best.
I have beliefs that hold me back as well. The problem I have is that using the "hacks" in this article goes against one of these beliefs. I don't really believe in changing your beliefs by simply talking into a mirror. I do agree with the people around you affecting you and shaping your judgement. I always thought that these kind of methods were designed for weak people. Because of this I usually don't ever really try any of these methods. Anyone else feel the same?
Another great "hack", that I remember from some movie, is to write yourself a big check and hang it up somewhere, where you will see it everyday. I haven't tried it yet, but it seems like a boost, to "keep at it". Also, like others have mentioned, I would start with something more realistic and achievable at first, and once reached, you can set new and higher goals.
I can understand and appreciate these ideas in some ways, but as others have pointed out, what the author describes seems to be related to more serious emotional issues surrounding confidence and self esteem.
Nothing particularly wrong with the sentiment and logic involved, it just seems a bit too 'one-size-fits-all' for an issue that possibly runs a lot deeper than one might think.
I want to share one specific thing that's helped me, in the vein of affirmations. I chose one specific compliment and made it a rule for myself that whenever someone said that to me, I'd respond proudly and affirmatively. "Yes I am!" No waffling, no modesty, no deflection: instead, "Yes I am!"
It's definitely helped for me.
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The brainwashing part is particularly true, but it's also really subtle, due to the time scale and slow progress. They say "you are what you eat", but the same is true for what you put into your mind.
This is really excellent. This should be taught in schools.
Reminds me of 'Think and Grow Rich' by Napoleon Hill.
My income is your spending, my spending is your income. We should all spend as much as possible and everyone becomes better off.
I think the heading regarding people one might socialize with needs fleshing out. Firstly, something-something-something-etc about mirror neurons; less cheekily: we're all heavily impressionable people. -- I highly doubt the problem is as straight-forward as others directly, or perhaps persuasively?, claiming one is a failure. The problem likely is that the people one may socialize with are limited, first off, by the economic categories of industrial-capitalism: they whine about their day, their job, lost objects, their ex, that so-and-so died -- they fill one's mind with trivial, largely distinctly particular statements that cannot be used to develop a theory, in the most general sense. It is the "intuitive" level of socialization limited by the economic-social categories of industrial-capitalism.
They _reflect_ failure, express it, and as impressionable people we are always subject to thought-patterns which compel us to ruminate, rather than problem-solve.
Reading this article was like reading one of those About.com pop-psych articles like "12 Easy Steps to Beating Clinical Depression"
1. Self-affirmations
"I can fly." "I can fly." "I can fly." "I can fly."
2. Brainwashing your self.
Theory of Flight, Richard von Mises. Dynamics of Atmospheric Flight, Bernard Etkin, et. al.
3. Who you hang out with.
Pigeons. Check.
4. Digging to the root.
Well, there was that one incident where I jumped off the balcony, aiming for the sofa, and broke my leg.